Adrienne Jones

 

 

Where to Start?

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When you are responsible for arranging a funeral for someone, it can feel like a bit of a rollercoaster.  There can be a mixture of emotions, ranging from sadness to devastation, anger, regret, guilt, feeling cheated or even in some cases, relief.  As well as experiencing the emotion, which is inevitable, there is a feeling of responsibility to give your loved one the service that they would feel appropriate for them.  It is their “last goodbye” and the best services are the ones where you know they would have approved. 

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Historically, with most funerals being led by a religious figure, there was no choice really when arranging the service itself; there were flowers to select, a coffin to choose and hymns, readings and prayers to select with the odd personal piece of music or eulogy if especially asked for (and don’t get me wrong, if that is right for you, there is nothing wrong at all with that). 

 

Now however, as with many aspects of our lives, we are finding that we can have more choice and in the same way as many couples no longer marry in a church, many people choose to say goodbye in their own personal ways with either no religious element or maybe just less of an emphasis on it.

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Every funeral should be different, as each of us is unique.  Because of this, there is too much to write about here.  I will touch on some of the choices you could be thinking about but any good Celebrant should be able to discuss all aspects of your service with you.  My aim is to start the thought process, help you if you are in my part of the country, but mainly, to share the fact that you do have a choice, and control over what happens.  A good Funeral Director will encourage you to be involved and make the service as special as possible. 

 

So, things to think about (and some are general rules of thumb, not what you have to choose by any means)

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Music

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Typically, it is a nice idea to have at least two pieces of music: one for the beginning or entrance and one for the end and exit.  The choice is entirely up to you, it could be a favourite song or piece of the person who has died, or anything you feel would be relevant to them.  I’ve started a service to the Match of the Day theme, classical, ballads, music from the 1920s to present day.  It is completely personal. 

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For exiting, people often choose a more uplifting piece but again, this is up to you.  The more relevant or personal to the memories of the deceased the better. 

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Within a service, subject to any time limitations, you can have more music, where you feel appropriate.  It could be accompanied by a photographic slide show if the room you are using has a screen.  Many people have a piece of music for personal reflection or you could choose to have music at the Committal stage, for example if there are curtains to be closed around the coffin.

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It doesn’t just have to be recorded music of course.  Many chapels and crematoriums have an organ with a proficient player available on request.  On a more personal level, if the person who died was linked to music in any way, you may choose an individual musical element.  For example, if they were in a music group or played an instrument, how lovely would it be to have someone playing a piece live?  I have been at a funeral where the gentleman was a lover of Ceroc dancing.  His club members did a special dance routine to his favourite song in the aisle of the crematorium and it was one of the most emotionally moving things to watch.

 

Music is a powerful force and can evoke almost every emotion.  It can make us sad, thoughtful, thankful, happy and even joyful and none of these things are bad at a service to honour and remember a loved one.  As long as there are no explicit lyrics to offend, pretty much anything goes.  Many crematoriums have a music system where they can download music from a database and if it’s a commercially available track they should be able to play it for you.  Some venues also have facilities for CDs or USB devices that you can provide yourself.  Your Funeral Director will be able to advise you.

 

Poetry and readings

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Poetry can range in style and sentiment and a bit like art, it is such a personal thing.  There are many popular poems for funerals available in books and on the internet.  The main thing to think about is finding something that is relevant.  Does it make you think “yes, that’s how I feel” or can you relate it to the person who has died?  Poetry comes in varying forms, some has religious undertones, some spiritual, some refer to nature, the list goes on.  I’m a great believer (which doesn’t mean you have to be) that funeral ceremonies should contain only elements that are relevant. 

 

Hearing a reading or a poem or filling in flowery words that aren’t relevant or that have been repeated in thousands of funerals don’t do the person justice UNLESS they really say what is felt in the heart. 

Of course, nothing is more personal than writing yourself and if you or anyone close feels they want to write something personal then that is wonderful.  You don’t have to be a great writer or orator, the fact that you can stand up and say your own words will fill everyone with admiration and empathy for you.  If you wrote something and decided not to recite it yourself, that’s where your Celebrant comes in to read it on your behalf.

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Tribute

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Arguably, the most important part of the whole service is the Tribute.  This is in effect the life story of the person who has died.  Although it is impossible to cover everything someone has done in a lifetime, it’s a time to celebrate the person they were as best we can.  This is where it is important that families share their stories, especially of their early lives, with each other. 

 

When a person lives to a good age, their history can be lost forever if they don’t tell their story and in this age of technology and fast-paced living, the personal recollections of those who lived in a different time are becoming lost.  What was it like to have experienced World War II, either as an adult or a child?  What memories were extra special, or life-forming from growing up?   Things to think about include:

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• Where were they born and what other family did they grow up with

• School life, were they academic, what were they like as a child

• When did they leave school and what did they do

• Career

• Family (marriage, children)

• Special interests or characteristics

• What made them who they were?

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The more information that can be shared, the better the tribute will be.  Don’t worry though if you don’t feel that you know as much as you could; a good Celebrant will be able to draw as much information from what you do know and it isn’t a list of life events, it’s a portrait of who you knew and loved and their character that is the most important thing to capture.

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But if I can say one important thing:  cherish your loved ones memories, especially if they are older than you, so that their stories and the times they lived in are never lost.  I always offer to give a presentation copy of the whole funeral service, including the tribute, so that it can be shared and remembered for generations to come.

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Committal

The Committal is the only part of a funeral service that is the “official” part, as in there has to be one.  It is the time to say goodbye, to acknowledge that the person is leaving this world, to wherever of whatever they or you believe is next. 

 

Traditionally, or from a religious point of view, it would be the time of passing on to the next life in Heaven, but of course, if you don’t believe, you can having varying degrees of opinion about that.  Some people are very clear that they want no reference to religion or moving on in that sense.  As a Celebrant, I would make sure I knew what beliefs the person who has died had and make it relevant to them.  Examples can be a simple farewell  from this life and if relevant, words about where is next, whether it be back to nature, a spiritual existence or anything else.  The key here again is that it is individual and there is no standard script. 

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In the case of a burial, this would be the part where we commit the person into the grave, in a cremation there are often symbolic closing of curtains or some other mechanism of a closure.  You can choose though, whether to have curtains closed at this time.  More people are choosing to keep the curtains open until they leave and again, this is a very personal choice which you need to discuss with your loved ones and make sure the person leading your service is aware of.

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Personal Items

 

Continuing with the theme of being personal and unique, what made the person you have lost who they were?  Did they have a hobby or a particular passion?  Did they have a special style of dressing or a favourite photo?  A special item that people knew them for or a talent that made them who they were?  A team they were passionate about or anything else that was really important to them? 

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More and more in recent times, flowers are being replaced on or around our loved ones by personal items that meant something to them.  Flowers are lovely, and to have some flowers is nice, but it doesn’t only have to be flowers.

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From signed footballs, to team scarves, flat caps and walking sticks, musical instruments, special photos or keepsakes, it can be a comfort to have those special familiar things at the service.  You can of course have them back when the service ends.  This is also a good alternative to placing things in the coffin which you wanted near your loved one but also don’t want to let go of.

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As long as you let your Funeral Director or Celebrant know they should be happy to make sure all the things happen to make your service as special, relevant and comforting as possible for you.

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Conclusion

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When I meet with a family, I always take the time to discuss the details, so they know what choices they have.  I also do this to make sure they know what is going to happen on the day.  Small things like whether you want to be seated before the service begins or follow the coffin can avoid confusion and there might be something in your mind you expect to happen that doesn’t.  This can make an already difficult occasion worse and there is no rehearsal for a funeral, if something goes slightly off-plan, it might not matter but it’s good to be prepared for things to go smoothly. 

 

You want to concentrate on remembering, celebrating and honouring the person you are saying goodbye to and that should be your only thoughts.  Use your Funeral Director and your Celebrant to make sure they guide you and give you the best service you can have and if you have any questions or worries, just ask.

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Making your own Arrangements

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We still treat death as a taboo in this country but it really shouldn’t be.  As times change and medical science progresses, we have more control of our lives than ever before.  As we are increasingly living longer, we accept that we have more choice about how to live our lives but do we really embrace how to die?  I am passionate about people taking control of their lives AND their deaths.  With Living Wills, Power of Attorney and the right to end lives in some countries, we are finally taking control of not only how we live, but how we want to die. 

 

Being treated with dignity and having our wishes respected right until the end is no more than we deserve.  But we still have to break barriers and educate people around us that we have the right to be treated with the utmost care and respect.  Part of this new ethos is being able to take control of our own arrangements after we have gone.  Many people now take out funeral pre-payment plans to save their loved ones the financial burden of their death. But what about the really important part of the whole funeral process?  Surely, our legacy is not that we have left money to pay for our funeral, but that the ones left behind know what we want for our final departure?

 

It strikes me when I visit bereaved families that what they really want is to reflect their loved one and portray them as they would want to be remembered.  Especially when this relates to a person of some age, it is often a struggle to know about their childhood, their greatest achievements and what they would really want to be included in their tribute of their life.  We do the very best we can, but I often think, what if that person could have had their say in their final tribute, their leaving celebration?  Did they really want certain achievements to be celebrated?  What would their final songs be?  Did they have any messages for their loved ones once they had gone away?  What did they want people to say about their funeral, did they want them all dressed in black?  Did they want doves released, balloons, flowers, music, dancing, a dirty joke, what??  Did they want to have their say?  Times are changing, and as we can have more control over our lives, we also can over our death and our final farewells to our family and friends. 

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So, how will people know what YOU want? Have you told anyone?  Will they know what to say about you when you have gone?  Will they worry they haven’t done you justice?  Could you feel more in control of things and of use to them if you partook in your own arrangements as well as paying the bill in advance?

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Being involved in your own funeral arrangements, at whatever your time of life, can be a liberating and satisfying process, not only having your final say but saving your family the stress of worrying they haven’t covered everything you would want them to.  You could prepare your service with music, dialogue and your life story and keep in with your will and other important documents.  When the time comes, your family will thank you for it and know they are fulfilling your wishes.  They can either conduct the celebration of your life or appoint a Celebrant to do it for them, without the worry of the preparation.  If you would like to discuss making preparations for your service, just contact me and I will be happy to help.